[sticky]

Jokes & Humorous Stories

(4024 posts) (100 voices)

Tags:

No tags yet.

  1. Pumphusk
    Inactive

    This Park is Open Year Round!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCPBXvHAah8

    When you wish upon a *****
    Makes no difference who you bore
    Anything your schwanz desires
    Will come to you...

    If her crotch is in your dream
    No request is too extreme
    When you wish upon a *****
    As dreamers do...

    Fate is kind
    She brings to those who pay
    The sweet fulfillment of
    Their secret banging

    Like a bolt out of the blue
    Fate steps in and you'll shoot goo!
    When you wish upon a *****
    Your dreams come true
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version

Name:	Jizzmeland! copy.jpg‎
Views:	503
Size:	250.6 KB
ID:	79215  
    Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
  2. SgtPerv
    Inactive

    Subject: Another use for a glass of milk

    A man is sunbathing in his yard in the nude.

    His penis becomes sunburned and the only thing he had next to him that was cool was a glass of milk. He sticks it in the milk to cool it down.

    His blonde neighbor notices that he sticks it in the milk and says WOW is that how you reload that thing?
    Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
  3. Hell On Wls
    Inactive

    Top Ten

    The top twelve indicators the economy is bad--

    12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

    9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

    8. Obama met with small businesses. GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

    7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their child's names.

    5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

    4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America? "

    3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

    2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

    And my most favorite indicator of all.

    1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds, " you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
    ___________________________________
    Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
  4. Hell On Wls
    Inactive

    Out of the Mouth

    A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off and tossed it out the car window.

    Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.

    The little girl said to her daddy, "What the heck was that? "

    Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age the father replied, "It. It was only a bug, Honey."

    The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
    Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
  5. Vargr
    Inactive

    Originally Posted by Winddance1
    Originally Posted by Spearmonger
    Adolf Hitler
    Barrack Obama
    People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?
    Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
  6. Hell On Wls
    Inactive

    E-mooning

    We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

    means a smile and

    is a frown.

    Sometimes these are represented by

    :-)

    :-(

    Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

    Here goes:

    (_!_) a regular ass

    (__!__) a fat ass

    (!) a tight ass

    (_*_) an ass hole

    {_!_} a swishy ass

    (_o_) an ass that's been around

    (_x_) kiss my ass

    (_X_) leave my ass alone

    (_zzz_) a tired ass

    (_E=mc2_) a smart ass

    (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

    (_?_) Dumb Ass

    You have just been e-mooned!
    Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
  7. Hell On Wls
    Inactive

    Raise?

    Our Mexican Maid

    Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about
    this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

    Wife: Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
    Maria: Well, senora, there are three reasons. The first is that I iron
    better than you.
    Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
    Maria: Your husband said so.
    Wife: Oh.

    Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
    Wife: Nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?
    Maria: Your husband did.
    Wife: Oh.

    Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
    Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?
    Maria: No, senora, the gardener did.
    Wife: So how much do you want?
    Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
  8. Gdlint
    Inactive

    I think the later.

    Originally Posted by Vargr
    People do seem to forget that Nazi stands for "National SOCIALIST". No further politics here, or was Winddance1 implying that "Barack Obama" is a joke in itself?
    Attached Images
    • 2.jpg (42.4 KB, 653 views)
      » Attached Images
      Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
    • Seva_Lurker
      Inactive

      I agree with Vargr, so is here. In the forum.

      Where it belongs.
      Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
    • Pumphusk
      Inactive

      This Park is Open Year Round!

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCPBXvHAah8

      When you wish upon a *****
      Makes no difference who you bore
      Anything your schwanz desires
      Will come to you...

      If her crotch is in your dream
      No request is too extreme
      When you wish upon a *****
      As dreamers do...

      Fate is kind
      She brings to those who pay
      The sweet fulfillment of
      Their secret banging

      Like a bolt out of the blue
      Fate steps in and you'll shoot goo!
      When you wish upon a *****
      Your dreams come true
      Attached Images
        » Attached Images
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • SgtPerv
        Inactive

        Subject: Another use for a glass of milk

        A man is sunbathing in his yard in the nude.

        His penis becomes sunburned and the only thing he had next to him that was cool was a glass of milk. He sticks it in the milk to cool it down.

        His blonde neighbor notices that he sticks it in the milk and says WOW is that how you reload that thing?
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell_On_Wls
        Inactive

        Top Ten

        The top twelve indicators the economy is bad--

        12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

        11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

        10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

        9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

        8. Obama met with small businesses. GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

        7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

        6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their child's names.

        5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

        4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America? "

        3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

        2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

        And my most favorite indicator of all.

        1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds, " you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
        ___________________________________
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell_On_Wls
        Inactive

        Out of the Mouth

        A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off and tossed it out the car window.

        Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.

        The little girl said to her daddy, "What the heck was that? "

        Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age the father replied, "It. It was only a bug, Honey."

        The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell_On_Wls
        Inactive

        E-mooning

        We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

        means a smile and

        is a frown.

        Sometimes these are represented by

        :-)

        :-(

        Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

        Here goes:

        (_!_) a regular ass

        (__!__) a fat ass

        (!) a tight ass

        (_*_) an ass hole

        {_!_} a swishy ass

        (_o_) an ass that's been around

        (_x_) kiss my ass

        (_X_) leave my ass alone

        (_zzz_) a tired ass

        (_E=mc2_) a smart ass

        (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

        (_?_) Dumb Ass

        You have just been e-mooned!
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell_On_Wls
        Inactive

        Raise?

        Our Mexican Maid

        Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. My wife was very upset about
        this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

        Wife: Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
        Maria: Well, senora, there are three reasons. The first is that I iron
        better than you.
        Wife: Who said you iron better than me?
        Maria: Your husband said so.
        Wife: Oh.

        Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
        Wife: Nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?
        Maria: Your husband did.
        Wife: Oh.

        Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
        Wife: (really furious now) Did my husband say that as well?
        Maria: No, senora, the gardener did.
        Wife: So how much do you want?
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • A John
        Inactive

        Just funny.


        redneck skeet shooting....................


        http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.ph...etShooting.wmv
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • A_John
        Inactive

        Just funny.


        redneck skeet shooting....................


        http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.ph...etShooting.wmv
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Misfit
        Inactive

        Quote Originally Posted by Hell On Wls
        We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

        means a smile and

        is a frown.

        Sometimes these are represented by

        :-)

        :-(

        Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

        Here goes:

        (_!_) a regular ass

        (__!__) a fat ass

        (!) a tight ass

        (_*_) an ass hole

        {_!_} a swishy ass

        (_o_) an ass that's been around

        (_x_) kiss my ass

        (_X_) leave my ass alone

        (_zzz_) a tired ass

        (_E=mc2_) a smart ass

        (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

        (_?_) Dumb Ass

        You have just been e-mooned!
        This shit is funny. You forgot one:
        (_@_) an ass that has a prolapse

        Misfit
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Misfit
        Inactive

        Originally Posted by Hell On Wls
        We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

        means a smile and

        is a frown.

        Sometimes these are represented by

        :-)

        :-(

        Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

        Here goes:

        (_!_) a regular ass

        (__!__) a fat ass

        (!) a tight ass

        (_*_) an ass hole

        {_!_} a swishy ass

        (_o_) an ass that's been around

        (_x_) kiss my ass

        (_X_) leave my ass alone

        (_zzz_) a tired ass

        (_E=mc2_) a smart ass

        (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

        (_?_) Dumb Ass

        You have just been e-mooned!
        This shit is funny. You forgot one:
        (_@_) an ass that has a prolapse

        Misfit
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell On Wls
        Inactive

        Thanks!

        Thanks Misfit glad you updated us! HH
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell_On_Wls
        Inactive

        Thanks!

        Thanks Misfit glad you updated us! HH
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Gdlint
        Inactive

        Letter from Wayne .....

        It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

        When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

        Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

        She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

        When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.-- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

        I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

        Signed,

        Wayne

        EDITOR'S NOTE:

        Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

        His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Gdlint
        Inactive

        Letter from Wayne .....

        It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

        When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

        Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

        She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

        When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.-- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

        I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

        Signed,

        Wayne

        EDITOR'S NOTE:

        Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

        His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • LordBlackAdder
        Inactive

        Quote Originally Posted by Spearmonger
        Adolf Hitler?
        You are right, although I see that others thought this was someone else. Guess those two guys have a lot in common.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • LordBlackAdder
        Inactive

        Another Job to Be Outsourced to India

        Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

        The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months. It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved through the end of the President's term.

        "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," he noted.

        Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

        Gurvinder Singh, a tele-techniciakn for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. An eligibility Obama has so far been unwilling (or unable) to provide. Mr. Singh will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

        It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in a web-cast interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

        A White House spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama also had never been familiar with the issues.

        Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.

        "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

        Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

        The President has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands as well as his special smile.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • LordBlackAdder
        Inactive

        Originally Posted by Spearmonger
        Adolf Hitler?
        You are right, although I see that others thought this was someone else. Guess those two guys have a lot in common.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • LordBlackAdder
        Inactive

        Another Job to Be Outsourced to India

        Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009.

        The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months. It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved through the end of the President's term.

        "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," he noted.

        Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

        Gurvinder Singh, a tele-techniciakn for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. An eligibility Obama has so far been unwilling (or unable) to provide. Mr. Singh will receive a salary of $320 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

        It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in a web-cast interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

        A White House spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama also had never been familiar with the issues.

        Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.

        "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

        Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

        The President has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands as well as his special smile.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell On Wls
        Inactive

        Single Black Female

        This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

        SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.

        Cid: 1.459083952atweb51107. Mail. Re2. Yahoo.com

        Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

        If you don't pass this along, a dog will come out and pee on your keyboard.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • Hell On Wls
        Inactive

        It's Tough Getting Old

        A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

        When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

        The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say? " The wife yells back to him...

        "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply
      • A John
        Inactive

        A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
        alone. She approached him..

        'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

        'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

        'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
        -- cars and men.'

        'What's your name?' she asked.

        He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.
        Posted 5 years ago | #Reply

      Reply

      You must log in to post.